So you think a job where you’re required to watch lots of movies is a breeze. Well… you’re right! It’s a pretty good gig, no question. Or at least it is most of the time. You see, moviegoers such as yourself have the option – the right – to not see a movie. I suppose we critics do too, but we’re often left feeling guilty about enacting that right. And really, under no circumstances should anyone feel guilty about not seeing The Smurfs. It’s just inhumane.
But if there’s any satisfaction to be had from watching bad movies, it’s snarkily writing about how bad they are in year-end lists like this one!
Before we begin, it’s worth mentioning that I was more selective about the movies I went to see last year than I have been in the past, so there were a lot of potentially bad movies released in 2011 – namely anything involving Kevin James, Martin Lawrence and Sarah Jessica Parker – that I actively avoided. So perhaps a better title for this list would be “The 10 Worst Films of 2011 That I Failed to Avoid”.
Anders Wotzke’s Bottom 10:
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10. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
You know it’s a Michael Bay movie when the best compliment you can give is: “it’s slightly less racist than the last one!”
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Actually, you’re number nine, but a good guess nonetheless.
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Too busy being cool and cutting-edge to be anything else, this grossly miscalculated, po-faced melodrama about Australian high schoolers was Wasted on Me more than anyone else.
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When the first Hangover turned out to be funny, critics such as myself were lost for words because the zinger we were all planning to use — “It’s awful like an actual hangover!” — was totally shut down. So out of sympathy, director Todd Phillips went ahead and made a sequel that is, undeniably, “awful like an actual hangover!” Thanks Todd!
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If you gave a bunch of drunk teenage boys a camera and a few million bucks to make a movie, the result would look something like this. Only the camerawork would probably be a bit better…
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5. Twilight: Breaking Dawn – Part 1
What happens when a vampire and werewolf fight over dinner a girl?
Four movies of NOTHING. F*****G NOTHING.
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4. Abduction
With lines like “there’s a bomb in the oven!” and the seminal “I hate balloons!”, it’s an outright scandal that amendments have yet to be made to the AFI’s Top 100 Movie Quotes of All Time list.
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Did you know that if you say “penis!” a lot whilst wearing a suit of armour you’re making a joke? It’s true! You’ve also just made Your Highness, so shame on you.
 
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2. Just Go With It/Jack & Jill
When Adam Sandler farts in a cup and dares his partner to smell it, I just know he’s thinking “there’s a movie in this.”
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If I were Satan, The Three Musketeers would be the movie I’d have looping in the lobby to greet new tenants.
Tom Clift’s Bottom 10:
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10. Abduction
Don’t get me wrong: I actually really enjoyed this movie. I found it hilarious. Still, there’s no doubt that this Taylor Lautner action vehicle is absolutely one of the worst films of the year.
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9. My Week with Marilyn
A lifeless, sappy and wholly unlikely story about a supposed romance between Marilyn Monroe and a British youth so bland and uninteresting I don’t even feel compelling to look up his name, My Week with Marilyn hits Australian cinemas in February 2012. Don’t waste your time.
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Ludicrously un-PC and ludicrously unfunny, this romantic comedy, styled as Italy’s answer to Love, Actually, and starring a very confused looking Robert DeNiro, is abysmal.
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One of the indie darlings of the year (although not in Australia, where it is yet to play outside the festival circuit), Lisa Dunham directorial debut is full of agonizingly irritating and self centred characters whose constant whining is enough to send you running from the theatre.
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6. The Redemption of General Butt Naked
There are other films on this list I consider boring, stupid or artless. This documentary – about a former African warlord who embraced Christianity and went about converting his former child soldiers – I found morally disturbing.
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5. Transformers: Dark of the Moon
The CGI is top of the line, but that’s about all this film has to offer. Marginally less offensive than the second Transformers movie, but Dark of the Moon is still juvenile, boring, overlong, incomprehensibly edited and full of unlikable characters whose demise would be a blessing.
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Ambitious and visually stunning…to a point. But Terrance Mallick’s latest soon descends into utter tedium and laughable art house clichés due to its director’s refusal to engage his audience or deliver a cohesive narrative.
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3. Melancholia
Utterly one note. Everything from the performances from the colour scheme to the title of the film is void of emotional complexity, or even emotional variation. You’re sad. We get it. Move on.
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2. Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides
Perhaps the most shamelessly cash-grabby Hollywood turd of the year, the fourth Pirates of the Caribbean movie turns its beloved characters to painfully irritating caricatures, and is duller than watching paint dry. Oh, and it was post-converted into 3D. Need I say more?
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1. Once Upon A Time In Anatolia
It doesn’t help that I saw it late at night during a five-film day on the last weekend of a film festival in which I spent over sixty hours in various cinemas. But the fact remains that this supposedly existential drama from Turkey is the most boring film I have seen all year. A quarter of my audience walked out. I should have as well.
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(DIS)Honourable Mentions: Battle: LA, She Monkeys, Troll Hunter, Cowboys and Aliens
Phew, thank God that’s over! Now how about you cleanse your palate by reading our list of the 10 Best Movies of 2011?
Follow the author Anders Wotzke on Twitter.
