Wondering why there are wizards and witches roaming the streets almost three weeks after Halloween? If you answered ‘yes’, then there’s a very good chance you’re senile, because every man and his house-elf knows that Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1 was released this week. You can read my review of the penultimate instalment here, but in short: it’s enjoyable, but certainly not the best in the series. Between camping and more camping, not all that much happens, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to write my own, zestier take on J.K. Rowling’s story.
But be warned: much like the actual film, my mock screenplay probably won’t make a lot of sense unless you have a lightning bolt tattooed to your forehead, ride a mop around the living room and refer to all your friends as muggles. In other words, I suggest seeing the movie first before reading.
Scene 1: The Dursleys House
Harry and a group of his most trusted friends convene at the empty home of the Dursleys.
Mad-Eye: Ok everyone, we need to escort Harry to a safe house given he is not old enough to copout of a tight situation by apparating like the rest of us.
Kingsley: Ah, to be seventeen again… I remember the first time I woke up lying on the forest floor with a throbbing headache. Not because of apparating, mind. I just hit the potion. Hard.
Mad-Eye: And who are you again?
Kingsley: The name’s Kingsley. I’m new. This is my first movie.
Mad-Eye: Oh, well in that case welcome to our top-secret mission. I trust you completely.
Right! Moving on. Everyone needs to drink some of this Pollyjuice potion so that we all look like Harry. That way the Death Eaters won’t know which of us is the real Harry.
Hermione: Wouldn’t it be better if Harry just drank the potion to look like one of us? That way we could do this whole thing without kicking up a fuss…
Mad-Eye: Hmm, that does make more sense. But I’ve already brewed the potion, so my plan it is.
[Everyone drinks the potion and transforms into Harry.]
Hermione: Harry, I know you’re busy being the “chosen one” and all, but you really need to maintain that forest surrounding your reproductive wand. It’s really itchy.
Harry: Hermione!!
Ron: Blimey, she’s right Harry. Someone call Samuel L. Jackson; we’ve found his afro.
[Hagrid peers over]
Hagrid: Naww, ain’t he just the cutest. Can I keep him, Harry?
Harry: No Hagrid, you may not! Guys… stop looking at my privates!
Hermione: Well, you should have thought of that before baring it all for Equus. You obviously haven’t Google image searched yourself, have you?
Harry: Of course I have.
Hermione: With safe search off?
Harry: …oh crud….
[Harry pulls out his iOwl and does a quick Google image search]
Harry: Merlin’s Beard!!
Hermione: Yeah, you could call it that.
—
Scene 2: The Burrow
After a run in with Voldemort and his minions, Harry and Hagrid arrive at the Burrow.
Harry: Hagrid, not to nit-pick… but was this really the best safe house you could think of? I mean, didn’t the Burrow nearly get burnt down by Death Eaters last time I was here?
Hagrid: Oh yeah, forgot ‘bout that. But we’re ‘ere now, safe and sound.
Mrs. Weasley: Harry! Hagrid! You made it! But where’s everyone else?
Harry: Your sons are all risking their lives to protect me. They could die.
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, all right then. Come in! I’ve baked cookies.
[George and Bill Weasley arrive. George is seriously injured.]
Harry: George! Oh my God, he’s bleeding…
Mrs. Weasley: The goose. It’s probably just another one of his bloody tricks.
Harry: No, I think this is serious. His ear looks like it has been mauled…
Bill: [catching his breath]….Mike Tyson ….. Death Eater…..
Mrs. Weasley: Well as long as Fred is all right, I can live with there being only one. Could never tell the difference, anyway.
George: Mum!
Mrs. Weasley: What! Your father and I only ever wanted a girl, but we kept having more blasted boys. We knew we were close with Ron, so we tried once more and had Ginny. She’s our little angel!
Harry: [smirking] Oh she’s no angel…
[Everyone else arrives all battered and bruised.]
Harry: Good, you all made it. [pause] Wait, where’s Mad-Eye?
Ron: Hmm? Oh, him. He died.
Harry: Really? Just like that?
Ron: Yeah, the series is all dark and stuff now. People die.
Harry: I know, but… off-camera? That’s a bit rough. Even Headwig got a death scene.
Ron: Well, we do have a lot of ground to cover. There’s still four horcruxes to find and destroy and an entire world to save from Voldemort’s evil grasp.
Harry: Good point. I say we go camping.
Ron: Perfect! I’m in.
Hermione: Me too! I’ve even packed a love triangle.
—
Scene 3: Camping
Harry and Hermione are twiddling their thumbs in a tent.
Harry: Well, we’ve been camping out here for months now, and I although I’ve learnt how to make a mean rabbit strew, I don’t feel like we’re any closer to finding the remaining horcruxes.
Hermione: Or a concrete plotline…
Harry: It’s all Gandalf’s fault.
Hermione: Dumbledore, you mean.
Harry: Hmm?
Hermione: You said Gandalf.
Harry: No I didn’t! I think I’d know the name of my own mentor.
Anyway, it’s his fault for not telling us how to destroy the damn ring…
Hermione: Locket.
Harry: Bitch, that’s what I said!
Hermione: Harry, take that locket off this instant! It’s making you forget your own franchise!
Harry: BACK OFF! [Retreats to the corner of the tent] Myyyy precccciousssss…..
Hermione: Ron, back me up here!
[silence.]
Hermione: Ron?
Harry: [returning to normal] He left.
Hermione: He did?
Harry: Yeah, weeks ago. Don’t you remember?
Hermione: No, not really.
Harry: He made that big fuss about us holding hands – which, by the way, don’t tell Ginny – and then left in a huff. Surely you remember that.
Hermione: No, I don’t. So, hang on… if Ron’s not here, who’s that over there then?
Harry: That’s just a pumpkin. It was Halloween recently.
Hermione: Oh, that’s kind of embarrassing. I’ve been talking to it for days. Although that does explain why Ron’s articulation has improved.
Harry: He’s less whiny, too.
Hermione: Yes, come to think of it, pumpkin Ron is much better company than actual Ron. Let’s keep him.
Harry: No complaints from me.
[Ron enters the tent.]
Ron: Look who’s baaaaaack! Did you miss me?
Harry and Hermione: [under breath] Damn…
Ron: So…are you going to introduce me to your handsome new friend or what?
—
Scene 4: Malfoy Manor
Harry, Ron and Hermione have been captured by Death Eaters and taken to Malfoy Manor.
Lucius Malfoy: Tell me, Draco! Is this Harry Potter!
Draco: Well, umm, he looks like Harry Potter, sounds like Harry Potter, has the lightning scar of Harry Potter, and he’s with Harry Potter’s closest friends, Hermit and Gingernut. But I still can’t be sure! The Harry I know never had a slightly puffy cheek!
Ron: Don’t tell them it’s really you, Harry!
Hermione: [rolls eyes] To think I end up procreating with you….
Lucius: Bah, I don’t have time for these shenanigans. I have to fulfil my duties as Peter Facinelli’s stunt double in Twilight, so until we can be sure it’s Potter, lock them all in the dungeon!
[Harry, Ron and Hermione are taken to the basement. Luna Lovegood is there.]
Ron: We’re trapped! Now what do we do.
Harry: Not to worry! I have a shard of mirrored glass in my sock.
Luna: That’s an odd place to put it.
Harry: Yes, in hindsight, it made running through the forest rather unpleasant. I’m now bleeding profusely.
Ron: So what does the glass do, exactly?
Harry: Nothing really. I just like to be able to check my hair while on the run. I’ve got a large female fan-base, you know.
[The house elf Dobby apparates into the room.]
Dobby: Harry Potter, sir! I’m conveniently here to save you!
Harry: How inexplicable!
[They leave the dungeon and enter the main hall. Bellatrix is rocking in the foetal position in the corner, loudly muttering to herself.]
Bellatrix: Kitten falafel!
Ron: Oh no, it’s the bat-crazy witch Bellatrix…
Bellatrix: Apple toaster! Donkey antlers!
Hermione: Wow… she’s really not ‘all there’, is she?
Harry: You try living with Tim Burton.
Hermione: Good point. Let’s just apparate the hell out of here before she notices us.
Harry: Too late.
[Bellatrix turns toward them. She pulls something hairy out of a bag.]
Ron: Blimey, she’s got a cat!
Cat: meow.
Hemione: Quick, apparate before she throws it!
[Bellatrix throws the cat toward Harry, Ron, Hermione and Dobby as they apparate away.]
Cat: MEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW…..
—-
Scene 5: Beach
After apparating out of Malfoy’s manor, everyone winds up on a beach.
Harry: Whoa….where are we?
Hermione: The beach from Inception. Saw it last week. It’s pretty good.
Ron: Gee, that was a close call. Hang on, where’s Dobby?
Harry: DOBBY!?
[Dobby is lying in the sand, his face being mauled by a cat. Harry rushes to his side.]
Harry: shoo, stupid cat!
Dobby: H-Harry….Potter…..
Harry: Please stop saying my name like that. It’s very creepy.
Dobby: ….you’re my….. f-f-friend…..
Harry: Now now, let’s not get carried away. Last time I saw you was, like, four movies ago.
Dobby: ….best….frieeennnnd……
[Dobby dies]
Harry: Well, that was awkward.
Ron: He died a noble death.
Harry: Yes, for a good cause. [pause] Wait, what’s our cause again?
Hermione: Finding the horcruxes, defeating Lord Voldemort.
Harry: Right, yes. Enough fart-arsing around guys! I think it’s time we actually did something to progress the plot before the movie finish…
Roll Credits.
—
Are you wondering why there are wizards and witches roaming the streets almost three weeks after Halloween? If you are, then there’s a good chance you’re incredibly senile, because every man and his house-elf knows that Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1 was released this week. You can read my review of the penultimate instalment here, but in short: it’s enjoyable, but certainly not the best in the series. Between camping and more camping, not all that much happens, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to write my own, zestier take on J.K Rowlings story.
But be warned: much like the actual film, my mock screenplay probably won’t make a lot of sense unless you have a lightning bolt tattooed to your forehead, ride a mop around the house and refer to all your friends as muggles. (In other words, see the movie first.)
—
Scene 1: The Dursleys House
Harry and a group of his most trusted friends convene at the now-vacated home of the Dursleys.
Mad-Eye: Ok everyone, we need to escort Harry to a safe house given he is not old enough to copout of a tight situation by apparating like the rest of us.
Kingsley: Ah, to be seventeen again… I remember the first time I woke up lying on the forest floor with a throbbing headache. Not because of apparating, mind. I just hit the potion. Hard.
Mad-Eye: And who are you again?
Kingsley: The name’s Kingsley. I’m new. This is my first movie.
Mad-Eye: Oh, well in that case welcome to our top secret mission. I trust you completely.
Right! Moving on. Everyone needs to drink some of this Pollyjuice potion so that we all look like Harry. That way the Death Eaters won’t know which of us is the real Harry.
Hermione: Wouldn’t it be better if Harry just drank the potion to look like one of us? That way we could do this whole thing inconspicuously without kicking up a fuss…
Mad-Eye: Oh yeah. But I’ve already brewed the potion, so my plan it is.
[Everyone drinks the potion and transforms into Harry.]
Hermione: Harry, I know you’re busy being the “chosen one” and all, but you really need to maintain that forest surrounding your reproductive wand. It’s really itchy.
Harry: Hermione!!
Ron: Blimey, she’s right Harry. Someone call Samuel L. Jackson; we’ve found his afro.
[Hagrid peers over]
Hagrid: Naww, Isn’t he just the cutest. Can I keep him, Harry?
Harry: No Hagrid, you may not! Guys… Stop looking at my privates!
Hermione: Well, you should have thought of that before baring it all for Equus. You obviously haven’t Google image searched yourself, have you?
Harry: Yeah, of course I have.
Hermione: With safe search off?
Harry: …oh crud….
[Harry pulls out his iPhone and does a quick image search]
Harry: Merlin’s Beard!!
Hermione: Yeah, you could call it that.
—
Scene 2: The Burrow
Harry and Hagrid arrive at Ron Weasley’s house, the Burrow.
Harry: Hagrid, not to nit-pick… but was this really the best safe house you could think of? I mean, didn’t the Burrow nearly get burnt down by Death Eaters last time I was here?
Hagrid: Oh yeah, forgot ‘bout that. But we’re ‘ere now, safe and sound.
Mrs. Weasley: Harry! Hagrid! You made it! But where’s everyone else?
Harry: Your sons are all risking their lives to protect me. They could die.
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, all right then. Come in! I’ve baked cookies.
[George and Bill Weasley arrive batted and bruised. George is seriously injured.]
Harry: George! Oh my God, he’s bleeding…
Mrs. Weasley: The goose. It’s probably just another one of his bloody tricks.
Harry: No, I think this is serious. His ear looks like it has been mauled…
Bill: [catching his breath]….Mike Tyson ….. Death Eater…..
Mrs. Weasley: Well as long as Fred is all right, I can live with there being only one. Could never tell the difference, anyway.
George: Mum!
Mrs. Weasley: What! Your father and I only ever wanted a girl, but we kept having more blasted boys. We knew we were close with Ron, so we tried once more and had Ginny. She’s our little angel!
Harry: [smirking] You wouldn’t call her that if you’ve seen what I’ve seen…
[Everyone else arrives all battered and bruised.]
Harry: Good, you all made it. [pause] Wait, where’s Mad-Eye?
Ron: Hmm? Oh, him. He died.
Harry: Really? Just like that?
Ron: Yeah, the series is all dark and stuff now. People die.
Harry: I know, but…off-camera? That’s a bit rough. Even Headwig got a death scene.
Ron: Well, we do have a lot of ground to cover. There’s still four hocruxes to find and destroy and an entire world to save from Voldemort’s evil grasp.
Harry: Good point. I say we go camping.
Ron: Perfect! I’m in.
Hermione: Me too! I’ve even packed the love triangle.
—
Scene 3: Camping
Harry and Hermione are seen twiddling their thumbs in a tent.
Harry: Well, we’ve been camping out here for months now, and I although I’ve learnt how to make a mean rabbit strew, I don’t feel like we’re any closer to finding the remaining horcruxes.
Hermione: Or a concrete plotline…
Harry: It’s all Gandalf’s fault.
Hermione: Dumbledore, you mean.
Harry: Hmm?
Hermione: You said Gandalf.
Harry: No I didn’t! I think I’d know the name of my own mentor.
Anyway, it’s his fault for not telling us how to destroy the damn ring…
Hermione: Locket.
Harry: Bitch, that’s what I said!
Hermione: Harry, take that locket off this instant! It’s making you forget your own franchise!
Harry: BACK OFF! [Retreats to the corner of the tent] Myyyy precccciousssss…..
Hermione: Ron, back me up here!
[silence.]
Hermione: Ron?
Harry: Ron left.
Hermione: He did?
Harry: Yeah, weeks ago. Don’t you remember?
Hermione: No, not really.
Harry: He made that big fuss about us holding hands – which, by the way, don’t tell Ginny – and then left in a huff. Surely you remember that.
Hermione: No, I don’t. So, hang on….if Ron’s not here, who’s that over there then?
Harry: That’s just a pumpkin. It was Halloween recently.
Hermione: Oh, that’s kind of embarrassing. I’ve been talking to it for days. Although that does explain why Ron’s articulation has improved.
Harry: He’s less whingey, too.
Hermione: Yes, come to think of it, pumpkin Ron is much better company than actual Ron. Let’s keep him.
Harry: No complaints from me.
[Ron randomly appears in the distance.]
Ron: Hey guys, I’m baaaaaack! Did you miss me?
Harry and Hermione: [under breath] damn…
Ron: So…are you going to introduce me to your handsome new friend or what?
—
Scene 4: Malfoy Manor
Harry, Ron and Hermione have been captured by Death Eaters and taken to Malfoy Manor.
Lucius Malfoy: Tell me, Draco! Is this Harry Potter!
Draco: Well, umm, he looks like Harry Potter, sounds like Harry Potter, has the lightning scar of Harry Potter, and he’s with Harry Potter’s closest friends, Hermit and Gingernut. But I still can’t be sure! The Harry I know never had a slightly puffy cheek!
Ron: Don’t tell them it’s really you, Harry!
Hermione: [rolls eyes] To think I end up marrying you….
Lucius: Bah, I don’t have time for these shenanigans. I have to fulfil my duties as Peter Facinelli’s stunt double in Twilight, so until we can be sure it’s Potter, lock them all in the dungeon!
[Harry, Ron and Hermione are taken to the basement. Luna Lovegood is there.]
Ron: We’re trapped! Now what do we do.
Harry: Not to worry! I have a shard of mirrored glass in my sock.
Luna: That’s an odd place to put it.
Harry: Yes, in hindsight, it made running through the forest rather unpleasant. I’m now bleeding profusely.
Ron: So what does the glass do, exactly?
Harry: Nothing really. I just like to be able to check my hair while on the run. I’ve got a large female fan base, you know.
[The house elf Dobby appears out of nowhere.]
Dobby: Harry Potter, sir! I’m conveniently here to save you!
Harry: How inexplicable!
[They leave the dungeon and enter the main hall. Bellatrix is rocking in the foetal position in the corner, loudly muttering to herself.]
Bellatrix: Kitten falafel!
Ron: Oh no, it’s the bat-crazy witch Bellatrix…
Bellatrix: Apple toaster! Donkey antlers!
Hermione: Wow… she’s really not ‘all there’, is she?
Harry: You try living with Tim Burton.
Hermione: Good point. Let’s just apparate the hell out of here before she notices us.
Harry: Too late.
[Bellatrix turns toward them. She pulls something hairy out of a bag.]
Ron: Blimey, she’s got a cat!
Cat: meow.
Hemione: Quick, apparate before she throws it!
[Bellatrix throws the cat toward Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dobby and Luna as they apparate.]
Cat: MEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW…..
—-
Scene 5: Beach
After apparating out of Malfoy’s manor, everyone winds up on a beach.
Harry: Whoa….where are we?
Hermione: The beach from Inception. Saw it last week. It’s pretty good.
Ron: Blimey, that was a close call. Wait, where’s Dobby?
Harry: DOBBY!?
[Dobby is lying in th
Are you wondering why there are wizards and witches roaming the streets almost three weeks after Halloween? If you are, then there’s a good chance you’re incredibly senile, because every man and his house-elf knows that Harry Potter and The Deathly Hallows Part 1 was released this week. You can read my review of the penultimate instalment here, but in short: it’s enjoyable, but certainly not the best in the series. Between camping and more camping, not all that much happens, so I thought I’d take the opportunity to write my own, zestier take on J.K Rowlings story.
But be warned: much like the actual film, my mock screenplay probably won’t make a lot of sense unless you have a lightning bolt tattooed to your forehead, ride a mop around the house and refer to all your friends as muggles. (In other words, see the movie first.)
---
Scene 1: The Dursleys House
Harry and a group of his most trusted friends convene at the now-vacated home of the Dursleys.
Mad-Eye: Ok everyone, we need to escort Harry to a safe house given he is not old enough to copout of a tight situation by apparating like the rest of us.
Kingsley: Ah, to be seventeen again… I remember the first time I woke up lying on the forest floor with a throbbing headache. Not because of apparating, mind. I just hit the potion. Hard.
Mad-Eye: And who are you again?
Kingsley: The name’s Kingsley. I’m new. This is my first movie.
Mad-Eye: Oh, well in that case welcome to our top secret mission. I trust you completely.
Right! Moving on. Everyone needs to drink some of this Pollyjuice potion so that we all look like Harry. That way the Death Eaters won’t know which of us is the real Harry.
Hermione: Wouldn’t it be better if Harry just drank the potion to look like one of us? That way we could do this whole thing inconspicuously without kicking up a fuss…
Mad-Eye: Oh yeah. But I’ve already brewed the potion, so my plan it is.
[Everyone drinks the potion and transforms into Harry.]
Hermione: Harry, I know you’re busy being the “chosen one” and all, but you really need to maintain that forest surrounding your reproductive wand. It’s really itchy.
Harry: Hermione!!
Ron: Blimey, she’s right Harry. Someone call Samuel L. Jackson; we’ve found his afro.
[Hagrid peers over]
Hagrid: Naww, Isn’t he just the cutest. Can I keep him, Harry?
Harry: No Hagrid, you may not! Guys… Stop looking at my privates!
Hermione: Well, you should have thought of that before baring it all for Equus. You obviously haven’t Google image searched yourself, have you?
Harry: Yeah, of course I have.
Hermione: With safe search off?
Harry: …oh crud….
[Harry pulls out his iPhone and does a quick image search]
Harry: Merlin’s Beard!!
Hermione: Yeah, you could call it that.
—
Scene 2: The Burrow
Harry and Hagrid arrive at Ron Weasley’s house, the Burrow.
Harry: Hagrid, not to nit-pick… but was this really the best safe house you could think of? I mean, didn’t the Burrow nearly get burnt down by Death Eaters last time I was here?
Hagrid: Oh yeah, forgot ‘bout that. But we’re ‘ere now, safe and sound.
Mrs. Weasley: Harry! Hagrid! You made it! But where’s everyone else?
Harry: Your sons are all risking their lives to protect me. They could die.
Mrs. Weasley: Oh, all right then. Come in! I’ve baked cookies.
[George and Bill Weasley arrive batted and bruised. George is seriously injured.]
Harry: George! Oh my God, he’s bleeding…
Mrs. Weasley: The goose. It’s probably just another one of his bloody tricks.
Harry: No, I think this is serious. His ear looks like it has been mauled…
Bill: [catching his breath]….Mike Tyson ….. Death Eater…..
Mrs. Weasley: Well as long as Fred is all right, I can live with there being only one. Could never tell the difference, anyway.
George: Mum!
Mrs. Weasley: What! Your father and I only ever wanted a girl, but we kept having more blasted boys. We knew we were close with Ron, so we tried once more and had Ginny. She’s our little angel!
Harry: [smirking] You wouldn’t call her that if you’ve seen what I’ve seen…
[Everyone else arrives all battered and bruised.]
Harry: Good, you all made it. [pause] Wait, where’s Mad-Eye?
Ron: Hmm? Oh, him. He died.
Harry: Really? Just like that?
Ron: Yeah, the series is all dark and stuff now. People die.
Harry: I know, but…off-camera? That’s a bit rough. Even Headwig got a death scene.
Ron: Well, we do have a lot of ground to cover. There’s still four hocruxes to find and destroy and an entire world to save from Voldemort’s evil grasp.
Harry: Good point. I say we go camping.
Ron: Perfect! I’m in.
Hermione: Me too! I’ve even packed the love triangle.
—
Scene 3: Camping
Harry and Hermione are seen twiddling their thumbs in a tent.
Harry: Well, we’ve been camping out here for months now, and I although I’ve learnt how to make a mean rabbit strew, I don’t feel like we’re any closer to finding the remaining horcruxes.
Hermione: Or a concrete plotline…
Harry: It’s all Gandalf’s fault.
Hermione: Dumbledore, you mean.
Harry: Hmm?
Hermione: You said Gandalf.
Harry: No I didn’t! I think I’d know the name of my own mentor.
Anyway, it’s his fault for not telling us how to destroy the damn ring…
Hermione: Locket.
Harry: Bitch, that’s what I said!
Hermione: Harry, take that locket off this instant! It’s making you forget your own franchise!
Harry: BACK OFF! [Retreats to the corner of the tent] Myyyy precccciousssss…..
Hermione: Ron, back me up here!
[silence.]
Hermione: Ron?
Harry: Ron left.
Hermione: He did?
Harry: Yeah, weeks ago. Don’t you remember?
Hermione: No, not really.
Harry: He made that big fuss about us holding hands – which, by the way, don’t tell Ginny – and then left in a huff. Surely you remember that.
Hermione: No, I don’t. So, hang on….if Ron’s not here, who’s that over there then?
Harry: That’s just a pumpkin. It was Halloween recently.
Hermione: Oh, that’s kind of embarrassing. I’ve been talking to it for days. Although that does explain why Ron’s articulation has improved.
Harry: He’s less whingey, too.
Hermione: Yes, come to think of it, pumpkin Ron is much better company than actual Ron. Let’s keep him.
Harry: No complaints from me.
[Ron randomly appears in the distance.]
Ron: Hey guys, I’m baaaaaack! Did you miss me?
Harry and Hermione: [under breath] damn…
Ron: So…are you going to introduce me to your handsome new friend or what?
—
Scene 4: Malfoy Manor
Harry, Ron and Hermione have been captured by Death Eaters and taken to Malfoy Manor.
Lucius Malfoy: Tell me, Draco! Is this Harry Potter!
Draco: Well, umm, he looks like Harry Potter, sounds like Harry Potter, has the lightning scar of Harry Potter, and he’s with Harry Potter’s closest friends, Hermit and Gingernut. But I still can’t be sure! The Harry I know never had a slightly puffy cheek!
Ron: Don’t tell them it’s really you, Harry!
Hermione: [rolls eyes] To think I end up marrying you….
Lucius: Bah, I don’t have time for these shenanigans. I have to fulfil my duties as Peter Facinelli’s stunt double in Twilight, so until we can be sure it’s Potter, lock them all in the dungeon!
[Harry, Ron and Hermione are taken to the basement. Luna Lovegood is there.]
Ron: We’re trapped! Now what do we do.
Harry: Not to worry! I have a shard of mirrored glass in my sock.
Luna: That’s an odd place to put it.
Harry: Yes, in hindsight, it made running through the forest rather unpleasant. I’m now bleeding profusely.
Ron: So what does the glass do, exactly?
Harry: Nothing really. I just like to be able to check my hair while on the run. I’ve got a large female fan base, you know.
[The house elf Dobby appears out of nowhere.]
Dobby: Harry Potter, sir! I’m conveniently here to save you!
Harry: How inexplicable!
[They leave the dungeon and enter the main hall. Bellatrix is rocking in the foetal position in the corner, loudly muttering to herself.]
Bellatrix: Kitten falafel!
Ron: Oh no, it’s the bat-crazy witch Bellatrix…
Bellatrix: Apple toaster! Donkey antlers!
Hermione: Wow… she’s really not ‘all there’, is she?
Harry: You try living with Tim Burton.
Hermione: Good point. Let’s just apparate the hell out of here before she notices us.
Harry: Too late.
[Bellatrix turns toward them. She pulls something hairy out of a bag.]
Ron: Blimey, she’s got a cat!
Cat: meow.
Hemione: Quick, apparate before she throws it!
[Bellatrix throws the cat toward Harry, Ron, Hermione, Dobby and Luna as they apparate.]
Cat: MEEEEEOOOOOOOWWWWWWW…..
—-
Scene 5: Beach
After apparating out of Malfoy’s manor, everyone winds up on a beach.
Harry: Whoa….where are we?
Hermione: The beach from Inception. Saw it last week. It’s pretty good.
Ron: Blimey, that was a close call. Wait, where’s Dobby?
Harry: DOBBY!?
[Dobby is lying in the sand, his face being mauled by a cat. Harry rushes to his side.]
Harry: shoo, stupid cat!
Cat: Meow.
Dobby: H-Harry….Potter…..
Harry: Please stop saying my name like that. It’s very creepy.
Dobby: ….you’re my….. f-f-friend…..
Harry: Now now, let’s not get carried away. Last time I saw you was, like, four movies ago.
Dobby: ….best….frieeennnnd……
[Dobby dies]
Harry: Well, that was awkward.
Ron: He died a noble death.
Harry: Yes, for a good cause. [pause] Wait, what’s our cause again?
Hermione: Finding the horcruxes, defeating Lord Voldemort.
Harry: Right, yes. Enough fart-arsing around guys. I think it’s time we actually did something to progress the plot before the movie finish…
Roll Credits.
e sand, his face being mauled by a cat. Harry rushes to his side.]
Harry: shoo, stupid cat!
Cat: Meow.
Dobby: H-Harry….Potter…..
Harry: Please stop saying my name like that. It’s very creepy.
Dobby: ….you’re my….. f-f-friend…..
Harry: Now now, let’s not get carried away. Last time I saw you was, like, four movies ago.
Dobby: ….best….frieeennnnd……
[Dobby dies]
Harry: Well, that was awkward.
Ron: He died a noble death.
Harry: Yes, for a good cause. [pause] Wait, what’s our cause again?
Hermione: Finding the horcruxes, defeating Lord Voldemort.
Harry: Right, yes. Enough fart-arsing around guys. I think it’s time we actually did something to progress the plot before the movie finish…
Roll Credits.
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