These eyes… they’ve seen things. Horrific things.

Slasher films in which psychopathic mass-murderers jump out from the shadows, zombie films in which the human anatomy is treated like an all-you-can-eat buffet, and Nicolas Cage in a wig. None of these things – ok, maybe the latter – compares to the horror I experienced watching Furry Vengeance.

Do not be deceived by the competently compiled trailer; here is a film that doesn’t just scrape the bottom of the barrel, it demands that you lick it. The only vengeance director Roger Kumble (Cruel Intentions) enacts here is on the audience, forcing us to endure 92 minutes of agonizingly unfunny potty humour,  moronic screenwriting and a bunch of hamfisted  performances from a cast who need a stern word with their agents.

With the quality and breadth of 3D animated films on the rise, kids deserve better from live-action alternatives such as this, particularly in the lead up to the school holidays. But only the least discerning moviegoers – i.e. tots who’ve fallen out of their cots a few too many times – are likely to find something of value here, while accompanying parents will leave the cinema feeling as though their wallet, not to mention their intelligence, was just violated by a mangy, pick-pocketing racoon. With rabies.

In a role even Eddie Murphy would scoff at, Brendan Fraser (The Mummy, Inkheart) plays housing developer Dan Sanders,  the project manager of a supposedly green redevelopment  plan that will effectively demolish an entire forest to pave way for a new suburbia. This doesn’t please the local woodland creatures one bit, who through a series of squeaks, growls and thought bubbles, plot their revenge against Dan and his family.

If not for his crumbling career, have some sympathy for Brendan Fraser’s gonads. They get smacked, scratched, bitten and skunk-gassed in almost every scene. Their campaign may be noble, but it’s difficult to side with these conniving creatures because they’re so poorly characterised, not in the least via shoddy CGI effects that occasionally stand-in for the live animals. Before long, their cuteness has worn off and, like Dan, we wished they’d just go away. Heck, if I saw a critter on the road home from the cinema, I probably would have sped up.

An uncomfortable Brooke Shields (The Blue Lagoon) watches the horror unfold as Dan’s sceptical wife Tammy, recycling the same awkward expression regardless of the context, while Ken Jeong (Role Models, The Hangover) plays the villain as Dan’s egotistical boss Neal. Bizarrely, Jeong’s dialogue often degenerates into aggressive shrieks of Korean for the sake of a cheap laugh. After all, what’s funnier than a blatantly racist character in a kids film? A blatantly racist character who gets kicked in the crotch, of course!

In the off chance you’re still conscious by the time this dreck reaches its shambolic and humourless climax, you’ll be once again force-fed the eco-friendly message that asks you to think twice before cutting down a tree, pissing off a skunk and seeing another Brendan Fraser movie.

For the good of the planet, I suggest you comply.

Follow the author Anders Wotzke on Twitter.