You know, I’ve never really understood why it’s called The Three Musketeers when it’s always about the fourth one — surely there’s an origin story (or three) we’re missing out on here – but to be perfectly honest, this features quite low on the list of things that baffle me about Paul W.S. Anderson’s adaptation. Far more pressing is the question of how Anderson, the man responsible for [...]

These eyes… they’ve seen things. Horrific things.

Slasher films in which psychopathic mass-murderers jump out from the shadows, zombie films in which the human anatomy is treated like an all-you-can-eat buffet, and Nicolas Cage in a wig. None of these things – ok, maybe the latter – compares to the horror I experienced watching Furry Vengeance.

Do not be deceived by the competently compiled trailer; here [...]

Arnie was a champ for audiences in the nineties, even Vin Diesel didn’t do so bad in The Pacifier, but this year Dwayne Johnson has proved why second rate action stars fall so easily into acting jobs in kids movies…and that is because they truly cannot act seriously, but people will pay to see them make a fool of themselves in family friendly situations.

One would have thought that after the monstrosities that were Norbit and Meet Dave, the only way was up for Eddie Murphy. Yet he continues to treat his career like it were a game of limbo, as Imagine That sees the once gifted comedian stoop to a horrendous new low. To put bluntly, it’s cinematic torture; Murphy’s every attempt at inducing laughter repeatedly falls flat like a line of dominoes, leaving it up to his 9 year old co-star Yara Shahidi to pick up the pieces. Yet even she hasn’t enough charm to salvage what is quite possibly one of 2009′s biggest disasters.

I try to be a glass half-full person. So when watching yet another pointless addition to the Friday the 13th franchise, I took joy from the fact that with each victim Jason Voorhees claims, the end credits were one step closer. It was the only thing that helped me endure through this god-awful slasher-rehasher from director Marcus Nispel (2003’s Texas Chainsaw Massacre). Well, that and the copious amounts of nudity. But that’s free on the internet.

Just to clarify, I’ve got nothing against the film being a reboot. Everyone’s doing it, and if any franchise needed to start over again, it was Friday the 13th. After 10 instalments – two containing the word ‘final’ in the title, one set fifty years in the future and one franchise crossover with Elm Street’s Freddy Kruger – it’s safe to say Hollywood have bled Jason, the hockey-masked hacker, to death (if the bastard could actually die, that is).

I’m not sure what moviegoers did wrong to warrant a sequel to 2002′s mediocre action film The Transporter, but its somehow happened again with Transporter 3. Actually, I guess I do know; there’s got to be an assortment of lost souls out there willing to waste their money to watch this drivel, otherwise Lionsgate would not have so willingly wasted their money to make it.