I don’t think it was particularly unreasonable of me to assume that in Clash of the Titans – a remake of the 1981 stop-motion epic that has aged about as well as everything from the 80s – there was going to be a few instances where Titans would, in fact, clash. It turns out, however, I was expecting too much; not once does the film live up to its title. And the disappointments don’t end there.

After weeks and weeks of sordid speculation by all major celebrity glossies, gossipists the world over can now contain themselves with the knowledge that any steamy romance between Gerard Butler and Jennifer Aniston was either non existent or just not at all hot. I say this to you now in review of the couple’s efforts in their new film The Bounty Hunter, the latest rom-com to fall off the Hollywood production line and be shot into the air by marketing cannons that promised hilarity and hot action. Unfortunately for Aniston and Butler, their onscreen chemistry together is about as romantically inciting and as charismatic as the last two slices of white bread, falling over each other at the bottom of the plastic bag – stale, tasteless and definitely worse for you than it looks. On first thought, their star power seems like a big enough draw-card for a trip to the movies but proves to be the only bankable aspect of this production.

Unlike its nasty sibling revenge, justice is not a dish best served cold. It’s better served with nuance, decorum and a dash of smarts. Now try telling that to screenwriter Kurt Wimmer and director F. Gary Gray of Law Abiding Citizen.

Rather than not pretending it’s ultra-violent revenge thriller, Citizen smugly believes that it’s smarter than your average Steven Segal B-movie and is more inclined to consider itself a sharp legal thriller, à la The Devil’s Advocate. Of course, that’s complete hogwash; this is nothing more than a trashy Punisher sequel dressed in a tailored suit.

Rather than being up front about being an ultra-violent revenge thriller, Citizen smugly believes that it’s smarter than your average Steven Segal B-movie and is more inclined to consider itself a sharp legal thriller, à la The Devil’s Advocate. Of course, that’s complete hogwash; this is nothing more than a trashy Punisher sequel dressed in a tailored suit.

Rather than being up front about being an ultra-violent revenge thriller, Citizen smugly believes that it’s smarter than your average Steven Segal B-movie and is more inclined to consider itself a sharp legal thriller, à la The Devil’s Advocate. Of course, that’s complete hogwash; this is nothing more than a trashy Punisher sequel uncomfortably dressed in a tailored suit.

Rather than being up front about being an ultra-violent revenge thriller, Citizen smugly believes that it’s smarter than your average Steven Segal B-movie and is more inclined to consider itself a sharp legal thriller, à la The Devil’s Advocate. Of course, that’s complete hogwash; this is nothing more than a trashy Punisher sequel dressed in a tailored suit.

Rather than being up front about being an ultra-violent revenge thriller, Citizen smugly believes that it’s smarter than your average Steven Segal B-movie and is more inclined to consider itself a sharp legal thriller, à la The Devil’s Advocate. Of course, that’s complete hogwash; this is nothing more than a trashy Punisher sequel dressed in a tailored suit.

Indian spiritual leader Mahatma Gandhi got his own Hollywood biopic. So did legendary French heroine Joan of Arc, gay rights politician Harvey Milk, sporting great Muhammad Ali, Cuban revolutionary Che Guevara…heck, even gangster rapper 50 Cent got one.

So why is it that Nelson Mandela — a man who served a 27 year jail sentence in South Africa before being elected President of the nation that imprisoned him – gets his Hollywood biopic thrown in with a sports movie? Are you trying to tell me his story wasn’t quite inspirational enough?

Worst of all, Invictus isn’t even a good sports film. Like the pseudo biopic on Mandela, the rugby half is both shallow and generic, qualities echoed by the horrendously mawkish theme song ‘Colorblind’ that is enough to make this seem like a parody of an inspirational film. It’s hard to believe that the man responsible for this unmitigated disaster is none other than American film icon Clint Eastwood (Million Dollar Baby, Gran Torino).

So why is it that Nelson Mandela — a man who served a 27 year jail sentence in South Africa before being elected President of the nation that imprisoned him – gets his Hollywood biopic thrown in with a sports movie? Are you trying to tell me his story wasn’t quite inspirational enough?

Worst of all, Invictus isn’t even a good sports film. Like the pseudo biopic on Mandela, the rugby half is both shallow and generic, qualities echoed by the horrendously mawkish theme song ‘Colorblind’ that is enough to make this seem like a parody of the inspirational film. It’s hard to believe that the man responsible for this unmitigated disaster is none other than American film icon Clint Eastwood (Million Dollar Baby, Gran Torino).

So why is it that Nelson Mandela — a man who served a 27 year jail sentence in South Africa before being elected President of the nation that imprisoned him – gets his Hollywood biopic thrown in with a sports movie? You’re telling me his story wasn’t quite inspirational enough already?

Worst of all, Invictus isn’t even a good sports film. Like the pseudo biopic on Mandela, the rugby half is both shallow and generic, qualities echoed by the horrendously mawkish pop song ‘Colorblind’ that insisted on ruining the best part of the film; the credits. It’s hard to believe that the man responsible for this unmitigated disaster is none other than American film icon Clint Eastwood (Million Dollar Baby, Gran Torino).

Be sure to leave your brain at home when seeing G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, as this one’s solely for the eyes and ears. On second thought, leave them behind as well; Stephen Sommers’ (The Mummy, Van Helsing) live-action take on the popular Hasbro toy franchise is a brutal assault on all the senses. I say ‘live-action’ with a pinch of salt, given there’s hardly anything living in sight; 95% of G.I. Joe is made up of second-rate CGI, whilst the remaining 5% comprises of heartless characterisations.

Maybe I need to be 12 years old, or a childhood fan of the toy franchise, to enjoy whatever it is this film has to offer. It must be said that G.I. Joe is proudly stupid, and in the same vein as The Mummy and Van Helsing, never tries to be anything more than 118 minutes of summer fluff. But whereas The Mummy succeeded as being pure mindless fun, G.I. Joe is simply mindless. It’s essentially an over-long videogame cut scene, where one tacky CGI action sequence would end only to for another to begin, leaving it up to snippets of horribly rigid dialogue to explain what the hell is actually going on.

The Seth Rogen bandwagon is still rolling well into 2009 as he continues his evident quest to play every guy who wants justice among his peers. Following last month’s Paul Blart: Mall Cop, we’re served another cop comedy trying to protect the people, but while Rogen usually has the backing of either himself or Judd Apatow in some creative role, this time he’s all alone. It can’t be said he does this for the people over the money, as the reason for anyone agreeing to be a part of this film is incomprehensible.

When the words ‘A Happy Madison Production’ appear on-screen during the opening credits of a film, it’s almost like the filmmakers are giving the audience a superficial apology in advance.  It might as well read; “We regret to inform you that this film will be neither funny nor entertaining, but since you suckers have already given us your money, we’re not really that sorry.”  Maybe I’m being a bit too harsh; Adam Sandler’s production company did bless us with cross-cultural comedic genius of You Don’t Mess With The Zohan and the hilariously original I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry.

Some films dare to be different; they take an original, credible and compelling narrative and engage the audience with strong characterisations, ultimately providing a genuinely engrossing cinematic experience.