Super Mario Bros, Street Fighter, Hitman, Doom, Tomb Raider and more recently Max Payne. What do all these gaming greats have in common? They’ve all become feature films that are a whole lot like the product of our trips the porcelain throne. In layman’s terms, they’re Shit.

It begs the question; how does Hollywood continually manage to take a great gaming franchise and turn it into a film that’s about as enjoyable as running face first into a fly screen? As a gamer, it’s a question I frequently find myself asking. So much so that I’ve decided to dedicate an entire, brutally honest, article to answer the question.

So without further adieu, I give you four key reasons why I think game to movie adaptations rarely ever work:

4. Narrative (or lack thereof):
“Does the game have a plot?” “Yeah, shoot that thing attacking you.”

Let’s face it, fellow gamers. Most of the games we remember fondly are for their game play, not their narrative. It’s usually something along the lines of; get from point A to point B, killing anything that stands in your way and enjoy a brief cut scene before doing it again somewhere else. That’s not to say it’s always the case; some games do feature an intriguing plot, engaging characters and unforseen twists. But how many of those games have you seen made into a movie? Hollywood has an uncanny ability to pick out games that were good ONLY because of their game play, where their narratives have about as much substance as a bag of cotton candy. For example; the game Hitman simply revolved around performing a series of assassinations. Sure it was a lot of fun to play, but the plot about genetic modification that tried to link each assassination together was hardly memorable or feature film material. Resident Evil, Mortal Kombat and BloodRayne are all games that were about as plot heavy as a Tennis match and yet still made it onto a reel of celluloid (in some cases more than once). Oh and don’t get me started on how they thought the narrative of Super Mario Bros could support a film….that’s like trying to write a romantic subplot into Pong.

Oh and did you here about the upcoming film based on the hugely successful Sims franchise? Brimming with narrative potential that one…

Hitman the game and Hitman the movie:
Someone should have told them that “pointing guns at people” isn’t a good plot.

3. Specific Target Audience:
“We wanted to make this film for the fans of the game.”

Directors of game-to-movie adaptations often say something along these lines.

Here’s the hot tip, Mr. Director. Don’t.

The thing is, diehard fans of the game will probably have wet themselves out of excitement before the opening titles appear anyway. What you should be doing instead is appealing to those who aren’t fans of the game.  They’re the one’s in need of convincing.This might actually require you to stop making assumptions about the films audience and, as shocking as it may seem, not trying to stick too closely to the content of the original game. Don’t do a BloodRayne and assume that the audience already understands and cares about the protagonist and their plight because they played the game. Don’t do a Doom and make a mindless film about killing monsters just because that’s what you did in the game. Don’t do a Resident Evil and use an obscene amount of gore simply because, you guessed it, the game had lots of blood. My point is; just because the game did it, doesn’t mean film has to. Gaming conventions, as nearly every adaptation has proved, quite simply do not translate well onto the big screen. What’s fun to do in a game is rarely fun to watch on a big screen because we’re not the ones actually doing it this time round. Even as an avid gamer, I would unquestionably opt to watch a good game-based film that doesn’t stay true to the videogame instead of watching a trite film that does.

First Person view might be how the game Doom is played,
but that doesn’t mean it should be featured in the movie.

2. Genre Limited:
“What do you mean there’s…other…. genres?”

Rest assured knowing that game adapted film you’re about to watch will probably fall under one or both of these genres: Action and Horror. Sure, Hollywood has tried to make a few comedies from a game, for example Super Mario Bros. and more recently Postal, but the thought of having to sit through those films is so terrifying I’d be inclined to label each film as a Horror anyway. The reason behind this trend is obvious; Games are all about doing actions. If you’re not shooting your way out of a subway (Max Payne), you’re running into a booby trapped ancient ruin (Tomb Raider) or simply trying to survive the night in some creepy, deserted town (Silent Hill).

Don’t try this at home: In fact, don’t try this in a movie either…

Here’s the problem; both of these genres are incredibly hard to do right. Name more than three great horror films made in the last two years and I’ll promptly give you a medal. Admittedly, action films have a better success rate recently, but that’s owes a lot to the fact that nearly every second film produced falls under the genre. Most game adaptations vie for success in these genres that are already overpopulated, hugely competitive and notorious for producing critical failures. This coupled with the fact that no game-to-film adaptation has been helmed by an experienced and capable director; it’s not hard to see why most game-to-film adaptations are doomed to failure.

Speaking of incapable directors….

1. Uwe Boll:
‘We will not sell the movie rights, not to you… especially not to you.”
– Blizzard Entertainment’s response to Uwe Boll’s request for the rights to produce a World of Warcraft film.

Uwe Boll: Cinematic serial killer

The utterance of his name sends a shiver down the spine of gamers everywhere. He appears in their nightmares, laughing manically as he brutally murders the helpless characters from their favourite videogames. “HE’S KILLED BLOODRAYNE ”, gamers around the world continue to wake up in a sweat screaming before breaking down into tears. Yes, yes he did. Twice, in fact…

For the blessed who don’t know, Uwe Boll is a notoriously bad German filmmaker whom is frequently is behind game-to-movie adaptations. Alone in the Dark, Bloodrayne, Dungeon Siege and more recently Postal and Far Cry are all the disastrous result of his direction. His directorial hand is, quite simply, the touch of death; as soon as him name becomes associated with a film, all hope that it will be even remotely watchable is forever lost. As a result, he’s brought a notoriously bad name to game-to-movie adaptations given his filmography consists almost entirely of them. For this reason, he sits at the number one position on this list.

So why is he so bad? Well, not only is he completely incapable of successfully framing and staging a scene, his editing is incomprehensible, horror sequences laughable and he manages to make every actor that appears in front of his camera look like they were plucked from an infomercial. He’s the type of guy to try and pass off Tara Reid as a brainy archaeologist (see Alone in the Dark, actually…don’t). Starting to get the picture?

Steve (pictured), a loving husband and father of two, tragically chose to take his
own life rather than sit through Uwe Boll’s The House of the Dead.

I’m not exaggerating here; Rottentomatoes gives him a 0% overall fresh rating, with his highest rated film clocking in at 11%. Hell, it’s a notable achievement if his films don’t appear on IMDB’s bottom 100 list. What’s worse is that despite being fully aware that everyone loathes his films, he still thinks seems to think they are good.

“I think I made a perfect House of the Dead movie”, Boll gleefully states in the film’s directors commentary, “because it really shows how the game is. It’s a lot of fun, it’s over-the-top action.”

NO, Boll. Just no. That’s like committing murder in front of an entire stadium of onlookers, and then saying “It wasn’t me…” Most directors would at least admit to a glaringly bad film and see it as a lesson learnt. But not Mr. Boll, he’s happy to keep churning out the crap like the pipes of a sewerage plant. So how does he keep getting away with cinematic murder you ask? Well, he’s basically abusing the German taxation system.

“The reason I am able to do these kind of movies is I have a tax shelter fund in Germany, and if you invest in a movie in Germany you get basically fifty percent back from the Government.”

So what would it take to get him to stop directing? Uwe said himself that he would retire if 1,000,000 people signed a petition for it, which has prompted an online petition to do exactly that. So far, the petition has garnered over 315,000 signatures. Sign it here, if you know what’s good for you.

So there you have it. Whilst certainly not an exhaustive list, hopefully it has enlightened a few of you as to why you almost always walk into these film happier than when you walked out. For us gamers, it’s a sad truth that we must live with. But I for one still live in the hope that one day, maybe just once, a good game-to-movie adaptation is made.

Follow the author Anders Wotzke on Twitter.