Arnie was a champ for audiences in the nineties, even Vin Diesel didn’t do so bad in The Pacifier, but this year Dwayne Johnson has proved why second rate action stars fall so easily into acting jobs in kids movies…and that is because they truly cannot act seriously, but people will pay to see them make a fool of themselves in family friendly situations.

Like pulling teeth, there is no easy way around saying that Dwayne Johnson’s latest film Tooth Fairy, is a complete disappointment. It should be granted that when considering a film about an ex ice-hockey star, relegated to the minor leagues via injury and bitterness who then gets a reality check via a summons to serve as a tooth fairy, we never really should have expected much in the first place. So what if character Derek Thompson doubts the kids in his life and blatantly tells them their dreams won’t work out…what about actor Dwayne Johnson’s debt to his audience for introducing possibly the worst movie of the year…and we’re not even through January yet.

The beauty of a kids’ flick is that they’re around about 90 minutes of film that have to rely on pure storytelling talent, minus the gold, guns and girls of the cinema those of us over the age of fifteen shamelessly love. The mark of a brilliant kids’ movie lies in it’s ability satisfy the entertainment needs of small children, whilst also holding the cynical attentions of persons past accepting the pure blisses of childhood fantasy. We’re all familiar with the brilliance of Pixar and that old conglomerate Disney (which coincidentally owns Pixar), so if it’s easy enough for the  FIVE screenwriters who were paid for this project to steal corny dialogue such as “you can’t handle the tooth” and “the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth” dipped from Oxford’s book of modern cliche, it really should have been easy enough for them to just rip off the entire winning formulae of those powerhouse kid’s filmmakers before them. Director Michael Lembeck is of the Santa Claus 2 and the Santa Claus 3 fame, so it’s surprising he is even directing something that is not officially a sequel, although *gasp* this film may one day have one…

Goofy Stephen Merchant stumbles and stutters his way through a stint as Thompson’s case worker at tooth fairy headquarters, and an aging Julie Andrews is so botoxed that even when she’s angry at the ice-hockey defenseman-turned-failing fairy, she is STILL smiling. In The Tooth Fairy, there is no comedic timing, every line is something we have all heard before and the dynamics of the focal family are so stereotypical that they really are bland people: Ashley Judd for example, is a fantastic actress here conformed to the role of a worrying mother only interested in finding the perfect daddy for her ex-husband’s spawn – a sensitive emo boy who hates hockey and a little brat princess. Typically a knockout in her own right, Judd takes on this role with little to no persona, only a few whiney bits of dialogue and baggy sweaters…she’s like a cinderella soccer-mum and her fairy godmother never comes.

Where the screenplay had potential to be laced with laughs and double entendre, only gaping cavities exist. The jokes that do find their way onto the screen – despite even a ten year long screenwriting process on this project – simply have no bite. Instead, every sound that booms forth through the pearly whites of Dwayne Johnson reduces itself, and this film,  to mere cliche, void of any originality. Waiting for the next one liner to pop up in this film at the most predictable moment is akin to waiting in the dentists’ chair when you know you’ve eaten too much candy between visits. The only point that deserves a laugh in this film occurs when all six-feet or so of the ex-wrestler is ridiculously crammed into a tiny pink tutu costume…

Verdict:

The filmmakers should be summonsed for tooth fairy duty to repay their debts to anyone who has even enjoyed a decent movie.