Wouldn’t you know it, it’s Wednesday again…which means it’s time for Cut, Print Previewed!
CPP is a weekly article where I crack my knuckles from the formalities of reviewing and take a brutally honest look at the films that will be taking to the big screen this Thursday, the day when films are generally released in Australia.
This week though, it’s a sorry looking line-up with Babylon A.D, Disaster Movie and The Duchess.
So read on, and feel my wrath.
Babylon A.D
Wide Release
This image isn’t actually from Babylon A.D, but it’s still Vin Diesel…
Besides, who can really tell the difference between his movies?
So you’ve got Vin Diesel in a film. This automatically means one of two things; it’s either totally badass or it’s the biggest miscast of the year (The Pacifier, anyone?). He’s just one of those actors, like Arnie and Van Damme, who is born to be the visual definition of ‘awesome’ (or the Governor of California). His last name is a freakin’ explosive, for peat’s sake. Unfortunately though, it is my duty to point out that half of the word ‘badass’ is ‘bad’. When Vin Diesel isn’t kicking ‘ass’, he’s reminding us just how ‘bad’ the film actually is. Babylon A.D looks to be no different. You’ll watch it just to see Vin Diesel kick some ass, but you’ll inevitably have to put up with the rest of the film being straight out BAD as a consequence. It’s just one of those laws of nature.
What I say: It’s Vin Diesel. That’s either going to make you burn a cigarette into your cobra-tattooed arm in anticipation, or you’re going to turn up your nose and opt to take another sip of your chardonnay instead .
Disaster Movie
Wide Release
Unfortunately for Tony Cox, these are the
only films willing to give him work
Oh come on… you don’t need me to tell you that this will single handedly be the worst comedy of the year, do you? Oh wait, Meet the Spartans did come out this year didn’t it. Could be a close call then.
Nevertheless, I think a boycott is in order. These pathetic films must stop. They’re bringing a bad name to the term “movie” in the way that they keep slapping it on to the end of the title like Mc Donald’s do with a pickle in order to prevent their food from being classified as candy. If the term “movie” was removed from the title, it would be hard to differentiate these films from a steaming pile of cow dung. Or worse yet, a movie by Uwe Boll.
What I say: Read the title again… minus the word ‘movie’.
The Duchess
Wide Release
Yawn…
Alarm bells should be ringing, Miss Keira Knightley. You’re being put alongside names like William Shatner and Stephen Segal in a list entitled “typecast”. Pride and Prejudice, Atonement, The Edge of Love…you’re becoming the very definition of a period drama damsel. For the sake of your future career, you might want to look at donning a pair of jeans again. Although, considering I dislike you, Keira, I’m not going to complain if you don’t. Elizabethan period dramas in particular are generally not my thing, so if you keep starring in a corset, I’ll continue to turn a blissfully ignorant blind eye. Deal? Yes? Good.
What I say: If you’re not me, it’s probably not a bad film. If you are, then you’ll also be shaking your head in disgust at the people whom fall into the previous category.
That’s pretty much it this week folks!
So sit back, relax and pretend this week’s cinematic releases didn’t happen.
Follow the author Anders Wotzke on Twitter.
