Released back in 2003 when twilight was still a time of day, the original Underworld was a mildly entertaining B-movie that did the whole vampire vs. werewolf thing before, you know, doing the whole vampire vs. werewolf thing was considered uncool. The film was made on a comparatively small budget of $22 million, lending it a certain underdog appeal as it went up against box-office goliath Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl. Of course, the film’s biggest drawcard remained pale British beauty Kate Beckinsale decked out in skin-tight leather, gunning down hordes of Lycans (aka werewolves) with dual pistols and deadpan diligence, much like an S&M Lara Croft.
But then came the rote sequel Evolution (2006), followed by the pointless prequel Rise of the Lycans (2009). Somewhere in between Twilight happened, singlehandedly destroying centuries of vampire mythology with a single sparkle. And now we have Underworld: Awakening, a 3D sequel that proves, yet again, that whatever cultish charms the original had, it’s all but ashes now.
After her absence from the prequel, Beckinsale is back in black as Selene, a vampire who previously betrayed her species by falling in love with a hybrid named Michael (Scott Speedman). As the title implies, humanity has finally awakened to the existence of Vampires and Lycans and has systematically begun to exterminate them, prompting Selene and Michael to try and escape the city. Admittedly, I found myself rooting for the humans during these early scenes, as for all the excuses mankind have used to justify the culling of a subspecies, I think “because they drink our blood and maul our faces!” is one of our better ones. Either way, it’s not long before the film reverts to just being about vampires and werewolves again, with humanity back to believing that the purge was successful and the two no longer exist.
While I admit there is slightly more plot to it than that, I hope you’re not seeing this movie for the story. The end credits, if you make it that far, reveal that the film is the work of Swedish duo “Mårlind & Stein”, which sounds more like an accounting firm than a pair of filmmakers. I suppose that would explain their cold and clerical direction, profit-raising addition of needless 3D and a screenplay about as creatively written as a tax return. Perhaps these are the same guys who do the bookkeeping for Paul W. S. Anderson’s similarly awful Resident Evil series?
Clocking in at 88 minutes, at least it’s over quickly. The writers come up with any old excuse for Beckinsale to flip around the room in her black leather outfit, which is seemingly as indestructible and flexible as she is. It clings to her slim figure like Glad Wrap, so I shudder to think where she keeps her endless supply of ammunition and grenades. Doesn’t it get sweaty in there? Come to think of it, do vampires even perspire? According to Google, the answer is no, no they don’t.
These are the things you ponder when, for the umpteenth time, someone is sliding down a corridor in slow-mo like it’s 1999. The film even has the nerve to steal that silly scene from The Matrix Reloaded where Neo kick-starts Trinity’s heart by squeezing it with his bare hands. Honestly, if you’re going to steal stuff from The Matrix, at least steal the good bits.
Still, Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2 is coming out later this year, right? So at least this will only be the 2nd worst vampire vs. werewolf movie of 2012.
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